There.

I'm just gonna come out and say this so I can get it the fuck out of my head.

I like this boy more than I'd like to like him.
Ok? I do. He he's... cute. And funny. And easy, so.

So there it is.

Should I, should I, like, do something?
Fuck, submissive guys are a fucking pain in the ass.

Things that hurt.

I'm broken. He broke me. And I don't... know how. Or why. I mean...

I know I fell in love with him like I didn't fell for... any of them.
Because he's just... everything. He's stmarter. And meaner. And sicker.
And honest about... most of it. So that's more. He's more.
He's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

He's not right for me. So I'm not right for him.
And that's clear. That's loud and clear and doesn't make me love him any less.

I won't forgive him. It's not forgivable.
He'd never ask for it, no, but that's besides the case.
I won't forgive him and that doesn't make me love him any less either.

But it all keeps me on my feet. I'm on my feet.
And I'm trying. I breath. I do. I smiled today.
I'm standing, but I'm broken.

I smiled today and it was sick.
I recognize the feelings, the urges, but
I'm so much braver now. And I'll allow it, if I can have it.

I wonder when I got translucid. I'm transparent.
It's... all so painfully obvious. See-though.
But I'm... honest. And I'm at peace with myself.

So I'm standing, and I'm broken. And I'm at peace with myself,
because I'm not cheating myself. And I trust me.
Even if he doesn't. Even if she doesn't.

I'm lonely. And I hope I get to tell him that I love him, even though it won't change a thing.
I want the chance to say it. And I don't know if I'll get it, of if I'll take it.
And I hate seing the paralels. I hate that he's doing the same thing, puting me in the same place.
I hate him for not being able to take me. For not wanting to take me.
And he will always be my first Dom.
And I wish he were different. And...

And I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him.